Last week Senator Xenophon raised an idea up the flagpole. Prime Minister Rudd looked up and smiled, but didn’t go so far as to salute. Xenophon’s proposal was to establish an ombudsman to lobby social networks in cases of public offence or outrage.

The EFA advised the government to ignore the trolls. Comments submitted against articles by the ABC and The Australian were dismissive of the idea, but I think there’s some potential here for easy money, so I’ve written to Sen. Xenophon and PM Rudd to apply for a job. After all, what’s hard about being told “no” all day?

The Hon Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister
Senator Nick Xenophon
Parliament House, Canberra

Dear Prime Minister and Senator,

I would like to commend you both on the idea of an ombudsman to speak for the people of Australia on matters of offence posted to online social services. I believe the idea has merit and indeed I believe I can contribute to this effort, so I submit myself for consideration for the position of Public Offence Ombudsman (POO) Social Harmony Advocate for the Public Enraged (SHAPE).

On initial examination, I believe the staff of the office of the POO will require seemingly limitless capacity to handle misdirected anger, avoided responsibility and rejection.  Having been a commonwealth public servant from 2000-2009, I am well versed in these skills and will be able to withstand the flames of misdirected public outrage, ignore obvious abrogation of parental and personal responsibility and maintain a facade of care and sympathy for clients in the face of repeated rejections by foreign corporations. I will be able to produce all required pamphlets and other written materials for mass mail distribution.

I believe the POO will perform admirably to prosecute the government’s thought control agenda, alongside Sen. Conroy’s internet filter, the government’s school curriculum takeover and the no doubt forthcoming changes to section 15 of the Intelligence Services Act 2001. Australians will be able to sleep easier at night knowing that the government is working tirelessly to make all information you deign to allow us access to will be POO SHAPEd at a moment’s notice.

Yours with a thirst for control,

Dean